Monday, March 28, 2011

Beautifully Broken

Brokenness. Such a beauty few men dare to seek. To feel deeply evokes a courage few men possess. It prompts a journey few men venture in a lifetime. It requires much. Everything in fact. Pure, heart-wrenching, soul-bearing humility. It is the heart cry of man admitting his humanity. Recognizing the burden of generational sin carried since the fall of Adam. It's taking His cross because we not only seek our need for it, we are desperate to become one with Him, to draw near to our Creator, and we would do literally anything to reach that place.

Why does ATF do this to me every time without fail? Perhaps I have allowed my self to feel too deeply, thus opening this door that cannot be closed without some form of therapeutic journaling. I am not broken. Not yet. But I seek a need for it, a desperation even, and that scares me. Because I know God is faithful, and He will break me. Humility is a prayer only bold men proclaim. I always come out of these things feeling so vulnerable. So raw. Sad that it's over. Nostalgic even as I say goodbye to a team of servants I just spent three days getting to know. God is expanding  my world. And I don't know how to take it. At first there was home. And it was enough; more than enough even. But eventually that grew to the confines of the Honor Academy. And suddenly I was a small town, change-hating girl, forced to embrace two very, very different worlds. I used to say that I was born to fly but had an unnerving fear of heights. But it didn't stop there. My world keeps getting bigger. For the next month I will be on the road every weekend, depleting myself so that I can serve Christ. I don't always have this attitude, in fact, it's usually not until the end of the event, once I have recognized my need for Grace and the negative effects of my hardened heart that provokes journal entries like these.

I'm sitting on the SWAT and Support Bus, waiting for it to finish loading so we can drive away from another place that has left a unique mark on my heart. San Diego will not be soon forgotten. For it has caused me to reflect, ponder, and feel. Something many go a lifetime without doing. Coasting through life in the safety of a calloused and hardened heart. I pray I never reach that place of no return. I fear a hardened heart is a heart unbroken. A heart that has yet to recognize its need for a Savior. 

And oh the need for a Savior has me desperate for brokenness. 


  1. By God a fall is always followed up by a call. The fear of the Father always leads to strength by The Son to do. So when we in fact enjoy brokenness it is because vitality arises from it. By The Holy Spirit we get a mission. Life gets meaningful again.

    But as you write: Few men dare to see themselves in light of the commandments of The Father, and few men dare to compare themselves with The Son - with Jesus Christ. And so most men miss the call.

    The Trinity has been a mystery. Now it is explained. Please look up

  2. ---- Write On Alyssa ----
    Write On
    Now is the moment when you write
    And now is the moment when you stand
    Now is the moment when you fight
    For this moment will never come again.

    Life is fleeting far to fast to allow these heartbeats a simple pass.
    Embrace with fervency time’s second hand
    For this moment will never come again.

    Waist not your strength on meaningless things
    Nor futile goals captivate mind or dreams.
    For war we wage to a triumphant end
    But a chance to save never comes again.

    Your writing is gifted
    Your character rooted
    Your inspiration limitless
    Your impact is Earth shattering
    For you write not by your own ability
    but you write with the very pen of God

    Wearing the smile of the King’s princess
    The victory is won
    The battle is yours
    Write on Alyssa
    Write on.

    In Christ's grace and love,

    - Zac R. Sanford

    Write and live in confidence that He lives through you :0) "For the one whom God has sent speaks the words of God, for God gives His Spirit without limit." - John 3:34

    PS: You inspired me not only to write, but to even start a blog :0) Thank you for drawing a passion, a calling, a gifting, and a joy out of me. It means a lot.

  3. I cannot tell you how much your encouragement means to me. Thank you for the post. It inspires me to continue writing. Thank you for reminding me that I have a voice and it can be heard. Can't wait to see how God speaks through you in your new blog. I will be checking it regularly :)