Brokenness. Such a beauty few men dare to seek. To feel deeply evokes a courage few men possess. It prompts a journey few men venture in a lifetime. It requires much. Everything in fact. Pure, heart-wrenching, soul-bearing humility. It is the heart cry of man admitting his humanity. Recognizing the burden of generational sin carried since the fall of Adam. It's taking His cross because we not only seek our need for it, we are desperate to become one with Him, to draw near to our Creator, and we would do literally anything to reach that place.
Why does ATF do this to me every time without fail? Perhaps I have allowed my self to feel too deeply, thus opening this door that cannot be closed without some form of therapeutic journaling. I am not broken. Not yet. But I seek a need for it, a desperation even, and that scares me. Because I know God is faithful, and He will break me. Humility is a prayer only bold men proclaim. I always come out of these things feeling so vulnerable. So raw. Sad that it's over. Nostalgic even as I say goodbye to a team of servants I just spent three days getting to know. God is expanding my world. And I don't know how to take it. At first there was home. And it was enough; more than enough even. But eventually that grew to the confines of the Honor Academy. And suddenly I was a small town, change-hating girl, forced to embrace two very, very different worlds. I used to say that I was born to fly but had an unnerving fear of heights. But it didn't stop there. My world keeps getting bigger. For the next month I will be on the road every weekend, depleting myself so that I can serve Christ. I don't always have this attitude, in fact, it's usually not until the end of the event, once I have recognized my need for Grace and the negative effects of my hardened heart that provokes journal entries like these.
I'm sitting on the SWAT and Support Bus, waiting for it to finish loading so we can drive away from another place that has left a unique mark on my heart. San Diego will not be soon forgotten. For it has caused me to reflect, ponder, and feel. Something many go a lifetime without doing. Coasting through life in the safety of a calloused and hardened heart. I pray I never reach that place of no return. I fear a hardened heart is a heart unbroken. A heart that has yet to recognize its need for a Savior.
And oh the need for a Savior has me desperate for brokenness.