I'm Getting Married....WHAT.

I'm going to be someone's wife. Not just anyone. Matthew Bell's wife. THE Matthew Bell.

It usually doesn't hit me. But when it does...FFEJILFDJ. 

I get the whole: sleeping in the same bed, eating grilled cheese, seeing each other all the stinking time, thing. 

But the other dynamics; the "unspoken" dynamics of marriage and of being a godly wife. Not so much.

The: continuously exercising patience and self-control, always ready to forgive and believe the best in Matt, always encouraging and supporting even when I don't agree 100%, his family becoming my family and trying to figure out how to split holidays between the two, learning how to cook, pay bills, and manage my time effectively, being a family: just the two of us, making every decision together, trusting him when he gets home late, agreeing on finances, family issues, number of kids, and apartment colors, thing. 

In 50 days I will be a 20 year old wife. Nothing gets you started on the fast-road to adulthood like a marriage. 

I'm essentially going to be supporting a 27 year old man who worked in the corporate world for five years and has been on his own for about seven. How can I possibly be what he needs?

I eat cold leftovers and egg burritos on a regular basis. I fall asleep at 8pm on the couch every. single. night. I get worked up over just about anything that incites passion, and I can't manage to keep a clean room...much less house. 

But then I have to take a step back. Breathe. And remind myself:

I am exactly what Matt needs.

I will love him to the end of time because I know love is a choice, and one I have already made. I am funny (which I suppose is slightly debatable), but laughter is essential in a healthy marriage. I will stay up all night to work out even the smallest kink in our relationship. But most of all, God is my Helper and my Rock. Through Him, I can be the best wife for Matt. And that's really what it comes down to. It's no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me. And through His grace, I have something to offer this tremendous man of God, who I will, in 50 days, call husband. 

Praise God...I'm getting married! 

Blank Canvas

Thinking how CCM was much harder than life now, but in some ways much, much easier. Where I was handed outlines, and paint by numbers, I now am handed crisp white pages. For the first time I am faced head on with my future, without a full schedule to distract me. I suppose I live in a world where busy-ness and a full schedule equates purpose. Which brings me to every human's most asked and feared question: what is my purpose? CCM wasn't my purpose. It was there that I learned the medium and the message to voice my purpose. But still intact whether I am home, at CCM ,in Belize, married, single, rich, or poor, my purpose is and will always be my relationship with my Savior. 

Twenty years old and my life is a blank canvas. I no longer have school to hide behind. I am at the embryonic stages of beginning my own company with Amber. I contemplate going back to school-like food in the oven that's been taken out pre-maturely, how easy it would be to stick it back in a few more minutes, or in this case, years. 

Realizing that I am not on a summer break, that this "vacation", so to speak, is now my life and indefinite, is a very, very strange feeling. For once in my entire life I feel like I've been handed the canvas, or the clay, or the pen and paper, as I scramble to catch the words of the Author and copy them as accurately as I can onto the pages. 

Is this too big of a responsibility for a 20 year old? I guess being king at the same age was David's call, and a Prophet of God Jeremiah's call, and a mother of the Messiah, Mary's call. Perhaps my only real set back is society in this culture's day and age and the immensely low expectations they have on "kids." But I can't help but think, what if just because little Johnny doesn't have to stay home at ten years old to run the farm, and little Martha isn't being a stay at home wife at 13, society still expected a boy to become a man when he got his license, or graduated high school, or moved out of the house? I understand, well, the necessity of the season of trying to figure life out, where the shaky transition takes place. What I fear to excuse is the generationally impending age that we expect a man to be a man and a woman to be a woman. What used to be 13 is now 27. And you still hear of 27 year old "boys" addicted to video games, still mooching off of mom and dad.

But anyway, I am getting off the point. 

Here I am: 20, on the brink of adult independence. For the most part, the Author tells me what to write. But sometimes His whisper gets choked out in a world of noise and I'm forced to seek Him more diligently. And other times He lets me make the choice on my own. 

Am I mature enough to uphold these lofty responsibilities? Society might say no- that I need more schooling, or a plaque on my wall to prove my ability and credibility. 
But obviously God has spoken otherwise.

So, forward I walk, unapologetically and unwavering, abiding in the shadow of the Faithful Guide, letting my lack of knowledge and numerous inabilities be my strength as dependence on Him takes over. I'm excited to see what is next for a God that delights in doing the impossible. 
For at His side, I too can partake in life at it's fullest. 

Psalm 24:3

I think admiration and pure indulgence of God's design is an act of worship.

This world was created to be explored, discovered, and admired. 

In the pieces of nature we find not only fragments of ourselves, but we uncover attributes of the Creator. 

I believe He leaves His footprints on all of His handiwork--

A water-splash, as if to say, "this is Mine. Enjoy it."

To be a Warrior Bride

to experience loss, deceit, and shame

and keep your heart pure all the same.

to uproot bitterness before it spreads-

and in labor and toil till sweat is shed.

to escape in riches man's tempting greed

to trust one man and let him lead

to raise a child in the way he should go

to give to watch another grow.

to make, and plant, and build, and teach

to give and welcome those called to reach.

to speak with boldness, a truth that dwells

with a heart of grace, and love that compels

to offer grace when it's been abused

to forgive again when it's been refused.

to hold the power to destroy man's strength

yet use it to empower, to go the length 

to be secure in whose she is 

despite the lies others hurl and hiss

to battle in prayer when no one sees

to battle for souls down on her knees. 

to wait patiently for season pass

to remain rooted like the trees

and in the storm that scares the mass

she holds an inner peace.

to love and loss and love again

and refrain from losing zeal

to fail, to hurt, to give in to sin

to repent and learn to heal.

to conquer giants in Jesus' name

to serve by washing feet

to lower herself to Him proclaim

for her Lover she'll one day meet.

to search the Word and all it says

and live a life that shows

to learn to love and offer life

without flaunting what she knows.

to dwell in the House where glory's shower

early to rise and reside

to be a woman of gentle and power

is to be a Warrior Bride.

Dedicated to three beautiful women I am blessed to know.

Elena Giordano

Emily Walden

and Nicky Pilkerton

inspired by Scripture and "If" by Rupyard Kipling. 

Grace Abounds

as the sun slips beneath the earth

a fiery sphere too bold to see

i'm reminded if the Father's Grace

could possibly be enough for me.

eternity spans in the length of His arms

a Truth I dare not question its power

perhaps this heart, so wretched, so sick

doth know the sacred, golden hour.

Rebel

Got a Canon Rebel t3i for my 20th birthday.

I think we suit each other pretty well.

Hebrews 10:23

Blessed.

Marriage of the Lamb

"Child, I cannot put my ring on your finger until you have taken the world's ring off of yours. You are holding on to promises of this life. Promises of beauty, of being known, of being loved, of your dreams. There is no room for Me."

When our love for the Lord is mad passionate extraordinary, as strong as death, nothing else in this world matters. Because when you love something so completely that you have put everything, every hope you have in this man, trusting that He will catch you when you fall  and if He doesn't, man you are done for, everything else is just peripheral. Every thing else fades in the background of the altar when you are staring into the eyes of the Man of your Dreams.

When He looks you in the eyes on that Wedding day, where will your eyes be? At the car y'all are taking, at the men of your past in the pews, at the ocean behind you, or into His eyes? Because when you look someone dead center in the eyes, you get lost. That's the love Christ died for-- Not some, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" prayer we lift up when we need Him to come through, so we can keep living in our comfortable lives blending in with the rest of the World. If the world cannot tell that you are Spoken for by the way you live your life, then what does your Husband have to say about that on your Wedding day? You say Beloved can I trust you with these dreams of mine? His response, "My dear, can I trust you with Mine?" Can He trust you with His life? Because that's what He gave for your hand. 

Are the things you are living for worth what Christ died for? 

God, change my heart to beat with yours! My desires do not reflect yours! Make them the same! I refuse to spend my days desensitizing my heart to the Father's love with the mindless media I take in, the idle chatter I partake in, and the worry I allow to consume my mind! I will spend my days cultivating the garden you planted in my heart, mending our broken relationship, and filling myself with Truth of my Beloved's faint but ever-present whisper. 

References:

Song of Solomon 8:5-8

Revelation 2:4-5

The Dance

I'm sitting in a garden, and I am wearing a red vintage dress, pearls, white gloves, and my hair is in a beautiful up-do with makeup suitable for a ball (in my mind resembling the enchanting Audrey Hepburn). I am sitting at an outdoor breakfast nook, and across from me is Jesus. Strong, inviting, handsome; he is everything I ever hoped He would be and more. We are enjoying each others presence, mostly in silence, because those are some of our most precious times together. He knows what I am feeling. We are drinking cold milk from fine china and enjoying freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. The garden is lovely.

But our direction is not faced towards each other, rather side by side, scoping the horizon. For on the other side of the garden lies a vast expansive field. I can see movement in the distance of a girl in a white dress. She is dancing.

The peculiar thing about this girl is that though the atmosphere around her is in constant changing motion, her motions remain unaltared.

The sun rise kisses the earth, embracing the girl with the light of day. But almost as if caught in a time lapse of the impending seasons, she is greeted with every variation of atmosphere beneath the horizon. Piercing rain and stark lightning slice the sky, swiftly transitioning to a cold, blistering wind violently sweeping across the field. I quickly look to the girls face, who to my utter disbelief, has remained wholly untainted by the weather changes. In fact, as the death of winter sweeps over and the new life of spring emerges, she opens her eyes for only a moment to pick a freshly bloomed dandelion, smell it, and continue her dance without missing a step of her inimitably choreographed performance.

I stretched to take a closer glance at this girl, astounded by her grace and perseverance, only to be welcomed by an all too familiar face. That girl was me. And I was watching her on the other side of eternity. 

I looked beside me to see Jesus with a huge grin on his face. His eyes were closed and hands out, as if He was leading someone in a waltz of some sort. 

It was me He was dancing with.

The reason I had gone forth unfazed by life's storms was because I held the assurance that I had not been dancing alone.

In fact, not a second had gone by: rain, snow, sunshine, wind, that I had ever danced alone.

The House of God

The Lord is my shepherd. I lack nothing. 

So once again, time has slipped inevitably and swiftly through my fingers without my consent. 2012. Twenty years ago I was brought mercifully into this world--to bring more than a name, more than a number to the earth's population. And here I sit, twenty years later, wondering, dreaming up my next steps. Time is fleeting. A year and a half ago I took my first step onto the Teen Mania campus, fresh out of high school, scared and unexpectant of what the next two years would hold. 

 
He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. 

  

Four days ago, last thursday we got a phone call that my great grandmother had a heart attack. Several hours later we received word that she had passed. I have known her for 20 years. Five generations. Now, we move up the line to honorably take our place in the hierarchy of generations. So many thoughts left untended. 

 
He guides me along the right paths for His name sake. 

Where has the time gone? A cliche even I cannot escape. But more importantly, what's next? A year ago Belize wasn't even a word in our vocabulary. Now we are taking our second trip there to visit my brother who has made it his temporary residence. It only confirms the vastness of possibility for this coming year. Aside from the "confirmed" end of the world via Jesus' Second Return or the Apocalypse, I am anxious to see how God chooses to mold this lump of time. This time next year--will I be living at home in Celina? Living at home in Belize? Touring the world as a Missionary? There is no telling at this point, and that truth can either terrify me to a point of paralyzation or excite me to no end.  

 
For though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.  

I choose trust. I choose excitement. I choose to live. I choose to thrive. I choose

contentment. I choose to love. 

For You are with me, Your rod and your staff they comfort me. 

I choose peace. I choose surrender. I choose courage.

 
For surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life. 

I choose His will--not my own.

 
And I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.