Deep Cries Out To Deep

"Who Is this who comes up from the Wilderness leaning upon her Beloved?" 

Song of Solomon 8:5

"Come away with me," the whisper was faint and overpowered by the noises around me, but so deep I felt it nudge the core of my spirit. "Why would I want to go away? Everything is fine where we are."  A thousand voices flooded my ears in that moment. I quickly became angry. "My family is here. My friends are here. My LIFE is here. No, I won't come away with you." The thoughts were half my own, the other half almost delivered to me like a baby being spoon fed its mashed carrots. Reluctant at first, I eventually gave in to the impending pressure of emotion rushing over me. First confusion, then frustration. "Who does He think He is? Requiring such an imposition on my behalf? What happened to 'I have plans to prosper you?' and 'I will give you the desires of your heart?'"

The thoughts were foreign to me at first. Absurd sounding in my own ears. The second voice came quieter than before, like a vapor that had faded into the vast expanse of atmosphere, creating but a wind chime ringing in my ears. "Come. I have something to show you."  Fear overwhelmed me in that moment as I considered the costs of his request. "NO." An eerie shriek rung violently in my head, much louder than the voices before. "You can't be trusted." Ah, were those words really my own? Even I felt the sting of the harsh exchange. I thought about it for a moment then resolved that it was all my imagination. Questions such as those would be reserved for the stronger leaders; those like Moses, David, Paul, Winston Churchill, Elizabeth Elliot, Francis Chan. Not me. An average, modern, American girl.

Which has me wondering if my response had been different, would I still be here now, having just spent the past months of my life lost in the wilderness, thirsty for water, hungry for food, desperate for some relief? Psalm 42:7 says as deep cries out to deep. I was a deer panting for the water brooks. I guess the only way to make a deer thirsty is to remove its original source of water. Take away the streams it worshiped. You said come to me you who are thirsty, weary, and heavy burdened. But I was reluctant that you could really be enough. 

One day soon I will peer the horizon from the mountaintops, seeing all I just came from, leaving me speechless that I was able to survive it. I was peering over the edge of a high mountain, only this time I was not alone. There was a thick and tangible presence encompassing me. I could not quite pinpoint the exact moment it appeared, but once it had, I could no longer remember or envision life without it.

The walk has been arduous. Painful. Tiresome. The Lord has taken me into the wilderness, away from the world, apart from my friends and family and the life I grew to idolize, to show me His heart. He couldn't do it in the world. No. The voices were too overpowering for His soft whisper. He brought me into the wilderness to make me unshakable. I had just come from slavery and was not yet ready to enter the Promised land. There had to be transition. A season of preparation to my new found freedom. I never dreamed of the heights I would reach, but it was only because of the depths I experienced with him.

So when you ask, "Who is this who comes up from the wilderness, leaning upon her Beloved? There under the apple tree I awakened you,"

You will know.

Disclaimor: Radical

 Today I was shaken by a message from God. The wording is a little messy, and my thoughts are a little scattered, but I felt a sense of urgency in sharing the convictions the Lord has placed so graciously and firmly on my heart. I am posting a disclaimer to anyone who desires to live a comfortable, Christian life. The more God reveals to me, the more I realize how much of a paradox that statement really is.

 God I want to know you.

I want God's plans if God's plans are what I want.
Jesus, I will do what it takes if what it takes is not too much.
I will speak on a stage to thousands of teens.
I will move to Hollywood to reach the lost.
I will write a dozen books about your love.
But what are the lengths I am willing to go?
I will marry a strong Christian man,
and raise two Christian children in church.
I will serve in my community and volunteer for different ministries.
I will adopt a little Chinese girl and even name her Amariah-gift from God.
I will go on Mission trips instead of vacations.
I will buy a meal for the homeless man on the street.
But what are the lengths I am willing to go?
Sure God, I will do your will.
But only if the cost is cheap, the road is easy, and the reward is great.
Of course God, I will follow you.
But only if it veers not far from the path I have already set out for my life.







 His response left me breathless. 


My child,
Will you follow me when the way is tough?
Will you follow me when the load gets heavy?
Will you follow me when the cost is great? Devastating?
Will you follow me if it requires a life of celibacy and a barren womb?
Will you follow me if it leads to persecution?
Will you follow me if your highest calling is the burning steak?
Will you follow me if it means not coming back?


Do you still want to know me?

Luke 9:23,24
Then He said to them all, if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.

Luke 14:33
Unless you give up everything you own. You cannot become my disciple.

Dear Hollywood

 Somewhere down the line

We bought the devil’s lie

That we are broken beyond repair.

All she wanted was to be known.

But she gave her life up for the throne,

And everything she called her own.

She began pursuit of poise and fame

To bring herself a better name

But somehow ended up alone.

She gave it all for too small a cost

Seeking after all she’d lost

Not knowing how much she’d have to pay

She sacrificed her life her will,

For beauty, men, and dollar bills,

How quickly black does fade to grey.

Lost and broken, torn apart

They covered scars and called it art.

Was this the place of no return?

They took advantage and stripped away

Knowing what she’d have to pay-

As they all watched her burn.

Hollywood-God’s got a plan

Bigger than some one night stand

Or a drug that cannot fill

Forget all that you’ve been told

And trade your glitter for the gold

If you’ll just fight for something real

Hollywood-you hold the key

If you will simply bow your knee

And make known a name for a King

Hollywood-you’ll make it far

On more than just a fancy car

Or an empty diamond ring.

You’ve traded commitment for a fling

And wondered why you felt the sting

Of emptiness and pain

You’ve searched so long for something more

Than what you had to bargain for

And all you had to gain

Were empty bottles and broken dreams

Thinking you could seal the seams

With one enticing plea.

Oh Hollywood-when will you see

What it means to be truly free?

Enough

I could take on the world
here in your arms.
slaying demons in your name.
I could move mountains
with a seed of faith
and withstand the furnace flame.

I could write a book
for every miracle
and the world would be too small
to contain the words
that hold your heart
of your life's impending call

I could win a battle
of a mighty army
with 300 faithful men
I could tame a lion,
raise the dead,
and calm the mighty wind


I could call a nation
to it's knees
if you asked me to my Lord-
I could fight the devil
with but a book
you call the sacred sword.


I could thirst no more
with not one drop,
by the grace of your great love,
but oh the shame
I dare proclaim
when you ask,
"My child, am I enough?"

San Pedro, Belize

"What is the value of a human soul?" My mom tossed out the room-silencing question. Would God send 12 people to leave their home for the sake of one person here? Did the shepherd not leave the 99 other sheep to bring home the 

 one? 

Everything and nothing.

That is what is going on in my head right now. I get so frustrated trying to figure it out, trying to make plans that were never mine to make. And everytime without fail, God keeps whispering, "Just trust me. I have a plan."

Sometimes the greatest peace comes with letting go completely.

If I have learned anything since I have been here, it is this: humanity is selfish. Loving people is hard. Me in my ignorance left America thinking in doing so I would inevitably escape pride, entitlement, selfish ambition, and complacency. Since being here, I have learned that it was not America I was trying to escape, but myself. Complacency is everywhere. Selfishness thrives within every person. I came here thinking a change of location would constitute a change of heart, but being on the mission field does not make someone any more of a missionary than a standing in a doctors office makes someone a doctor. I came here with the same habits, tendendencies, and nature that I had in America. 

Nothing changed. 

I have learned that my natural tendency is not to love others, but to judge them. I gravitate towards selfishness, impatience, arrogance, and entitlement. If I am not willing to reach out to my neighbor in Celina, Texas, what makes me think moving to a foreign country with language and cultural barriers would somehow make it easier?

Today I was forced to ask myself what true sacrifice is as I toured an old house in the bad part of town. Would I be willing to live among the people like Jesus did? How much am I REALLY willing to give up? I say everything, but it is easy to make that statement as I overlook the ocean shore in the comforts of a beautiful air conditioned condo. 

What does it mean to take up your cross daily? What does that look like in a day to day life? I am beginning to realize the paradox of the Gospel; what Jesus is truly asking of His followers. 

Apart from His grace, I do not have the capacity or the ability to love selflessly. Someone once said our walk with the Lord is like a tree: the heights that it reaches is solely dependant on how far it is rooted. In order to go places with God, I must start with the privacy of my own bedroom. In two days I return back to the normalcy of every day life in America. In two days I will still be completely reliant on God's grace to love those around me. Praise God, His grace is enough. It has ALWAYS been enough.

The Victory of John Manalo

Death puts such a perspective on life. It's funny how the little things that consume our time and our energy are suddenly re-prioritized when the wave of death sweeps over.

Today my fellow CCMers and I just received the news that our brother and former fellow CCMer passed away last night. Videos and deadlines, once a consuming fire of our days here at CCM, took their place in the scheme of things, leaving silence to clean up the mess.

Amidst the noise and chaos of media consistently residing in these walls, a young life taken has penetrated the room to mere silent tears. Where words once filler of empty air, now none can suffice the silence suffocating our deepest thoughts. Like a vapor in the wind, we make our mark on this world before we are called home. 

I fear we have made our permanent residence in but a temporary passing.               

John lived in a world that did not deserve him, a world that could not hold him. A heart too big to be carried by this sinful place, is now held by the hands of the Man that conquered death. We ask, bewildered and entitled, why God took him from our midst, when he was never ours to begin with, nor was he ever meant to be. Made for a world where death has no sting, we still cringe at death's awful scream and ask God why it hurts so bad. He has reached the Promised Land, while we are still making our way through the desert. 

I am blessed beyond belief and overwhelmed by the Grace of God that allows us to consider life not loss but victory. Christ said Himself, to live is Him, to die is gain. Unfortunately, it often takes the sting of death to heed to these powerful words. Unfortunately it takes a human life for us to recognize the value of our own. Last night my brother and friend John Manalo was greeted into the arms of His Savior. The few years that John dedicated to knowing His Lord will now be paid off for the rest of eternity-- Which is why I dare not title this entry, The Loss of John Manalo, rather the Victory. For none could find more victory than the one at the feet of Christ.

Broken Alabaster Jar

Break your alabaster jar

and pour it on my feet

In the midst of hair and tears

is where our hearts shall meet <3

To think that I-

but far too gone

A harlot amidst the virgin--

Am but a stickler for broken hearts,

in dire need of a surgeon.

Surely the King

has chosen His bride;

 A lilly among the thorns--

He'll take the beauty;

the Spotless one-

of whom precious gems adorn.

He'll search the castles

and the priciest rooms-

in the rich man's master suite--

While I sell my purity 

for dollar bills-

 like a vender on the street

Surely, He'll seek the loftiest places,

for a bride to claim His hand--

a woman committed; fiercely submitted

not some one night stand.

I'll never forget that knock on the door

that came as such a surprise-

that a King might enter a sinner's floor

much less look me in the eyes.

No value to offer-

but this alabaster jar,

I threw my face at His feet--

between tears and hair and open scars

is where He said we could meet.

Between tears and hair and open scars

is where He said we could meet.

Inspired by Luke 7:36-50