San Pedro, Belize

"What is the value of a human soul?" My mom tossed out the room-silencing question. Would God send 12 people to leave their home for the sake of one person here? Did the shepherd not leave the 99 other sheep to bring home the 

 one? 

Everything and nothing.

That is what is going on in my head right now. I get so frustrated trying to figure it out, trying to make plans that were never mine to make. And everytime without fail, God keeps whispering, "Just trust me. I have a plan."

Sometimes the greatest peace comes with letting go completely.

If I have learned anything since I have been here, it is this: humanity is selfish. Loving people is hard. Me in my ignorance left America thinking in doing so I would inevitably escape pride, entitlement, selfish ambition, and complacency. Since being here, I have learned that it was not America I was trying to escape, but myself. Complacency is everywhere. Selfishness thrives within every person. I came here thinking a change of location would constitute a change of heart, but being on the mission field does not make someone any more of a missionary than a standing in a doctors office makes someone a doctor. I came here with the same habits, tendendencies, and nature that I had in America. 

Nothing changed. 

I have learned that my natural tendency is not to love others, but to judge them. I gravitate towards selfishness, impatience, arrogance, and entitlement. If I am not willing to reach out to my neighbor in Celina, Texas, what makes me think moving to a foreign country with language and cultural barriers would somehow make it easier?

Today I was forced to ask myself what true sacrifice is as I toured an old house in the bad part of town. Would I be willing to live among the people like Jesus did? How much am I REALLY willing to give up? I say everything, but it is easy to make that statement as I overlook the ocean shore in the comforts of a beautiful air conditioned condo. 

What does it mean to take up your cross daily? What does that look like in a day to day life? I am beginning to realize the paradox of the Gospel; what Jesus is truly asking of His followers. 

Apart from His grace, I do not have the capacity or the ability to love selflessly. Someone once said our walk with the Lord is like a tree: the heights that it reaches is solely dependant on how far it is rooted. In order to go places with God, I must start with the privacy of my own bedroom. In two days I return back to the normalcy of every day life in America. In two days I will still be completely reliant on God's grace to love those around me. Praise God, His grace is enough. It has ALWAYS been enough.